I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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