You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Drunk is a universal language darling
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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