Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
