yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
