You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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