Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
