you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
