How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
