Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
