Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
