it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
