Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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