So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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