I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
