there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
