I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
