dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Drunk is not a location!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
