I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
