my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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