an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
