I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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