Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
