I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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