if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When are your genitals available?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
