what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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