I'm so fucking centered right now
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize
