I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
