I am puke
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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