if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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