these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
