I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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