I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So here I am, sexting at work.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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