Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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