Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
