im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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