How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
