His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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