My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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