Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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