I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just cropdusted the office
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
