I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
