i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
