I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
