yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
God, I missed his penis.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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