I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
