She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
