I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
