I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
