You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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