i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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