It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
