my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize