i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
