Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
