she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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