I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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