life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize