I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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