Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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