I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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