need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
